Recently we heard about the death of the son of one of my high school friends. I haven’t seen her in many years but she and her husband still live in the small town where we went to school together. A friend from that town called to tell us about the death of the young man and I felt immediate sympathy for her and her family. We’ve all felt sympathy for someone at some time or other. Sympathy is agreeing in feeling with another person, and often when someone else in a difficult or painful situation we’ve experienced we can easily feel sympathy because we’ve been there. I haven’t experienced the death of a child, but I have felt the loss of someone very dear to me and I know the feeling of sorrow at the death of someone important to me, so it was easy for me to sympathize with the sorrow and pain my friend was feeling.
Empathy is somewhat different from sympathy. Empathy is the vicarious experience of feeling what someone else is feeling by putting yourself into the place of that other person. It is the practice of imagining what someone else thinks and feels, and respecting those thoughts and feelings, even though you may not share the same views. Atticus Finch, the father of the narrator of the classic novel To Kill A Mockingbird says it best: ”You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” Atticus is trying to teach his young daughter to have empathy for others and to try to understand what they think and feel as a way for her to grow into an adult of character and integrity. The ability to empathize with another person is the mark of a mature person.
Compassion is different yet again. Compassion is the ability to have deep sympathy for someone else and have a desire to do something to alleviate their suffering. This is the pinnacle of these three attributes. Sympathy says “I feel sorry for you” and, if not expressed sincerely, can sometimes come off as pity. Empathy says, “I understand your point of view even though I don’t share it” but compassion says, “I grieve with you and I want to do something to help you feel better.” Compassion has a goal in mind and always results in restorative or reparative action.
The attributes of sympathy and empathy have a place in marriage but above all we should strive to become compassionate partners in our marriages. Compassion is the noble attribute that allows us to understand what our spouse is experiencing and to do something to improve the situation. At the heart of every disagreement and conflict in marriage are two people who have vulnerabilities that create fear or shame deep within them. These vulnerabilities show themselves as frustration, defensiveness, anger, resentment and even abuse and violence. Compassion has the power to defuse those vulnerabilities and to help a couple realize what is important to each of them. Any strong emotion clouds our judgement and keeps us from logically assessing what is happening. When we are driven by the toxic emotions of hurt and anger, we don’t respond to situations or to other people in reasonable ways. We allow the emotion to drive us and inevitably we do and say things we regret later when calm rationality returns. Compassion says, “I feel your frustration and I want to do something to make this situation better.” Compassion doesn’t strike back, doesn’t keep accounts, doesn’t try to get the last word or to prove who is right and who’s wrong. Compassion is the love the Apostle Paul talks about in I Corinthians chapter 13. And compassion is a powerful antidote to any conflict.
Learning to be a compassionate spouse takes time and deliberate practice but being compassionate is the hallmark of a strong relationship. Nothing but good can come from learning to show compassion to our spouse. Sympathy and empathy have their place but nothing competes with compassion. When we are moved to do something to improve our marriages through compassionate action we are showing we are mature people with character and integrity.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” I Corinthians 13: 4-8
